Let’s drill a bit deeper now.
The transformation happens, when…
To let a transformation in a conflict happen, it’s good to have 3 things.
1) You care about all the needs in the room equally.
When it doesn’t matter whether they’re your needs or the needs of the others, whether they’re needs that are easier to appreciate for some people (like respect) or not (like sex, rest, having time for oneself).
2) You can express those needs in clear, down to earth words that match your attitude – so that other people can develop this care as well.
You’ve got to really mean it – and that sometimes takes a lot of inner work: healing old wounds, dissolving enemy images, practicing connecting language and so on. (I’ll tell you more about the details of connecting vs. disconnecting language in some of the next few posts.)
3) You can endure the tension of “I care for your needs, but I really hate your current strategies. Let’s find some new strategies where we all are happy”.
This shows how little conflict solving is a matter of certain skills or techniques (though it is to some extent), but much more a matter of attitude, of consciousness. It really helps when you have a mindset of abundance.
The mindset shift: Abundance and scarcity
Mind you, the abundance I’m talking about doesn’t come from the amount of resources we have. It comes from the abundance of human creativity. Your creativity is the thing that will let you figure out new strategies that really work to meet your needs, wherever you are.
When we are in scarcity mode (“I need this strategy to work or I’m f***ed!”), we are in fight-or-flight-mode, which neurologically means your creativity is shut down. Which in turn makes it much more probable that you’re going to be unhappy.
When you remind yourself that there are countless ways (people, places, actions, times, circumstances) to meet your needs, you relax, and your creativity can start doing its work.
You’ll be happier – and the people around you as well.
If you’re being lovesick, you’re in scarcity mode.
I really suffered from this for a long time, falling in love over and over again, thinking “I need THIS exact person” to be happy – and then being terribly unhappy when he/she didn’t want to be with me. One day, when I was lying on my couch in Vienna, suffering, this abundance-scarcity thing really sunk in. It was still a process of figuring out which needs I was connecting to that person. But once I found out, I could really own those needs and let go of using the other person as a prop to develop living them.
You know, often, when we fall in love it’s because a person is showing certain traits that we want to live more ourselves, but somehow don’t allow ourselves to live fully. In my case it was about enjoying and celebrating life, about being comfortable with taking leadership and resting in yourself that I saw this other person do and that I wanted to do more myself – but hadn’t yet figured out how to. Let alone even realized that I wanted to.
Once I realized all this I could really own my wishes to enjoy live more fully, to be more comfortable with taking initiative and to rest more in myself. Which made me more empowered, allowed me to grow a lot and actually do all of those things – instead of just watching somebody else do it, letting their holy light shine on me.
It made me enjoy being with myself a lot more. And I’m still really good friends with that person. Without being lovesick.
Also a kind of social change…
(This is the article of day 16 – yay, half-time! – of the 30 day blog challenge. To be notified of new posts, subscribe to the mailinglist on the right.)