How clinging onto relationships is responsible for destroying them

Oh, I love paradoxes. This is a nasty one.

You see, what keeps intimate relationships alive and thriving is not fear. It’s the joy.

Fear of losing one another might be responsible for keeping you together. But if you have more attachment (scarcity-mode – what do I mean by that?) than relaxed joy (abundance mode), you either have one of those horrible zombie-relationships, or one of the partners is going to call quits on the relationship sooner or later.

The break-up might come on its own (rarely), or it will happen, because it is triggered by one of the partners falling in love with someone new (very often).

If the second thing happens, in a fear-scarcity-based relationship you’re trying to keep the two of you together by tightening the ropes, by locking the cage. You’re also blaming the trigger (the bad person that stole your partner), not the cause (the numbness of your relationship).

In a joy-abundance-based you’re trying to strengthen the relationship by doing things that make your mutual magnetism stronger.
Like really accepting the needs of your partner, even if their wishes are painful to hear.
Like working through your conflicts, not running away from them.
Like caring for the healing of your old wounds that are triggered by what your partner does (e.g. fear of not being good enough, fear of not being worthy of love etc – here’s how the first step in resolving those works) – one of the most effective things you can do to develop an abundance mindset.
Like trusting life in that if your relationship was strong enough it would be kept up even if your partner was also in love with someone else (and maybe living that love as well – polyamory hello). Or that if it wasn’t strong enough it’s good that you found out and can direct your life energy to building and maintaining relationships that are a stronger fit for your needs and values.

The cage is easy at first, because we know it, but it will be responsible for the death of a relationship. (Be it break-up or zombification.)

The magnetism thing is scary at first, because you’re abandoning supposed securities. And it’s painful, because working through old wounds is usually painful and sometimes tedious. But you’ll come out stronger, happier, more relaxed, more centered (and thus, more attractive).

Building a cage or strengthening trust and magnetism. Your choice.

(This is the article of day 23 of the 30 day blog challenge. To be notified of new posts, subscribe to the mailinglist on the right.)

Photo Credit: Sam Howzit


  1. I share your opinion in theory. The problem comes when you are unable to restrain your irrational fears and when other parts of your life interfere with your relationship. Sometimes, when a lot of things are hard to bear, you see your partner as a shrine, as a sanctuary. And when that sanctuary is shared with someone else, when he, or she, is unable to fulfil the role of a sanctuary, you become irrationally possessive and you want them to look at you and take care of you even more.

    The other problem is finding the balance. Sometimes you develop “needs” that come from your partner’s behaviour. “Oh, they’re sleeping with someone else, how about I do it too…” and then you do it, realize it’s awful for you and then you start thinking “I can’t do this, why can they do it? They must not love me…” And then the irrational fear comes, you start expecting too much and even when your partner is doing their best to not fail you and to reassure you, you just keep on being affaid and it eats your relationship from the inside like a little worm eats through the apple…

    I love poliamory in theory, but I’ve had bad experience with it. Maybe I’m not happy with my life enough to be able to let myself free. Maybe the key to being in a healthy relationship is solving your life’s problems first?

    • yeah, lex, that’s the key: resolving most of your issues first. so that you don’t fall into the trap of projecting too much on your partner (the treating him/her like a sanctuary thing) or go into “quid pro quo”. That means looking at childhood patterns, “traumas” and at least starting to heal them, becoming aware how they shape your emotional reactions today.
      You could say that polyamory is the reward for people who’ve done this work – sad thing is that it then becomes hard to be in relationships with people who haven’t done this work or are not willing to.

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Hi, I'm Georg, founder of the social businesses soulbottles and soulwater.
In here I share my experiences and try to teach you what I wished I'd known earlier about changing the world for the better.

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